The Trouble with Religion
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: RK and Jaylynn clash over their religious and spiritual views when Mrs. Tuxedo Pants suffers from a life-threatening illness.


_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 19

Airdate: April 8, 2018

"The Trouble with Religion" (cover of the _George Lopez_ episode "God Needles George")

Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne

 _Original teleplay written by Paul A. Kaplan and Mark Torgrove_

 _#TYH619_

 _COLD OPEN_

 _APRIL 8, 2018 - 3:45 P.M. PST (WRESTLEMANIA SUNDAY)_

 _Fade into an exterior shot of the MacDougal house. Cut to the interior where the kids are sitting around waiting for WrestleMania 34 to start. There are purple, black, and gold balloons all around the living room._

SPARKY: You know, I thought more people would show up. I mean, it's WrestleMania day.

RK: I think if it was still 2003, more people would care.

BUSTER: Well, I don't care who shows up. I'm just glad that Daniel Bryan's back in action.

JAYLYNN: Wait, Daniel Bryan? Is he that Japanese guy that has the funny faces and the red Michael Jackson pants?

SPARKY: That's Shinsuke Nakamura.

JAYLYNN: Oh. Well, I hope they both win.

WADE: Honestly, after today, I hope Brock Lesnar's gone. I'm sick of him keeping the title and having mediocre matches on top of it.

RK: I know Brock sucks now, but he was able to rob Vince McMahon for millions of dollars. They're going to write a song about him one day.

BUSTER: Wait, how come we're not watching the pre-show?

SPARKY: Because this show is already five hours and we're going to torture ourselves enough.

RK: See, that's probably why people didn't come.

JAYLYNN: Hey, wait a minute. Is John Cena really not going to wrestle?

WADE: Of course not, he's John Cena. He has to wrestle.

RK: It's too bad. He has to wrestle a crippled old man that's guaranteed to go to the hospital after the match is over.

SPARKY: Hey, The Undertaker's given us classics!

RK: Yeah, and Eminem's given us classics too, but no one's putting him in their top five anymore.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Well, enjoy tonight's show, America.

SCENE 1

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _One day, Jaylynn is watching TV when RK walks in with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants._

RK: Hey Jaylynn, I need a favor from you.

JAYLYNN: If this is what I think it's about, then yes. You really should get a different haircut next time.

RK: Please, you're one to talk with your washed out dye job. Looking like a cherry Kool-Aid. Anyway, I want to know if you can watch Tuxy for the weekend.

JAYLYNN: Eh, I don't know, man. Besides, why can't you do it?

RK: KG and I are going on a retreat for our church group. The house will be empty and someone has to look over this girl.

JAYLYNN: Wait, you still go to church? I thought you gave up that lame shit.

RK: There's nothing lame about church, Jaylynn. It's the only thing I do outside of school that matters.

JAYLYNN: Well, what about your job working for the school paper? Remember, you had an advice column?

RK: Oh yeah, I did. Good times. Anyway, I want to know if you can do it. And don't say you're busy doing Jaylynn stuff because nobody even knows what that means.

JAYLYNN: Well, I know what it means, and that's what's really important. Can't you just ask someone else?

RK: No. Sparky and Buster already have cats, Wade doesn't like cats, and I can't ask anyone outside the group. That's just...unnatural.

JAYLYNN: Fine, I'll take the little furball off your hands this weekend. But you owe me.

RK: Lucky for you, I pay upfront.

 _RK hands Jaylynn a $50 bill._

JAYLYNN: Wait, is this divided by three days?

RK: Jaylynn, I don't have time for a math problem. It's money. Take it or leave it.

JAYLYNN: No, I'm taking it. You got yourself a cat-sitter for the weekend. You go on your weird retreat and sing songs about the rapture and trade Kirk Franklin CDs.

RK: Don't make me regret paying you upfront.

SCENE 2

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn is watching TV when Mrs. Tuxedo Pants meows._

JAYLYNN: What do you need, honey? There's a basketball game on soon. Wait, what am I doing? RK left instructions.

 _Jaylynn reaches into the basket of cat supplies on the coffee table, which also contains instructions that RK left on the top. Jaylynn begins to read them._

JAYLYNN: "Dear Jaylynn. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to follow these instructions to the letter if you have any chance at succeeding with your cat-sitting. If you're not currently doing anything with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants, get off your lazy ass and start doing what I asked you to. I'm not playing with you. You think this is a joke? You think I'm Booboo the Fool? I know you're just watching TV. Anyway, see the instructions on the back to make sure everything goes smoothly." What a cornball.

 _Jaylynn turns the list over to the back._

JAYLYNN: "When Mrs. Tuxedo Pants meows, she's either hungry or ready to play. It's really dealer's choice, but you should try playing with her first to avoid wasting food. It's expensive." Okay, Tuxy, here's this...ball of yarn. Go nuts.

 _Jaylynn tosses the ball of yarn on the floor for Mrs. Tuxedo Pants and she immediately goes after the ball and starts playing with it._

JAYLYNN: That's adorable. I should have gotten more money from that boy.

SCENE 3

The Hernandez Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

 _Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is drinking milk from her bowl while Jaylynn watches._

JAYLYNN: Yeah, that's it. Get all of it. You think if I gave you something like almond or coconut milk, it would kill you?

BUSTER: Jaylynn, who are you talking to?

 _Jaylynn turns around and is spooked at the sight of Buster._

JAYLYNN: Buster, please, make yourself known the next time you come here.

BUSTER: Isn't asking a question good enough?

JAYLYNN: Not when you're creeping up on me doing who knows what.

BUSTER: Hey, what's Tuxy doing here?

JAYLYNN: I'm looking after her while RK and KG are at church camp. Wait, didn't he already let you know where he was going?

BUSTER: Probably, but I can't remember a lot of things after a couple hours.

JAYLYNN: Honestly, I'm surprised RK even has a religion. I never thought he would care about that stuff.

BUSTER: It's more of a family thing. His grandparents went to church every Sunday, so they passed it down and now he goes to church too.

JAYLYNN: Generational influence is an ugly thing.

BUSTER: Jaylynn, if God heard what you were saying, he might strike you down. Wait a minute, God's everywhere. He can already hear you!

 _Buster runs to the refrigerator and leans in front of it._

JAYLYNN: What are you doing?

BUSTER: When the Almighty strikes you down, I don't wanna be a victim.

JAYLYNN: Look, religion has never been my thing. It's just a bunch of people reading from books telling them how their lives are supposed to be, believing in mystical and spiritual shit they don't understand. And then they end up not doing anything from the book anyway.

BUSTER: Yeah, that's true. But I think it's great that people want something that can help them out in life. I used to think God wasn't real, but then I started looking at all the things that I can be happy about and I realized somebody has to be watching over me.

JAYLYNN: Your girlfriend died. Twice.

BUSTER: Yeah, I was learning to forget about things like that.

JAYLYNN: Sorry. Wait, why are you here again?

BUSTER: I was gonna invite you to Ike's, but I see you have your hands full.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but if Tuxy ends up sleeping or walking around the neighborhood unsupervised, I might be free.

BUSTER: Alright, I'm out. But very slowly. And if the big guy comes at you with his wrath, let him know I was never here.

JAYLYNN: You would let God kill me to save yourself?

BUSTER: Only if there's a chance of me not being killed.

SCENE 4

The Hernandez Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _At night, Jaylynn is climbing in bed while talking on her phone. Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is already in the room._

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm telling you, RK, this whole cat sitting thing is a piece of cake. I might even have my own cat someday. Yeah, too, I would take care of it. I mean, your cat was moving a little slow but I stepped up and handled it. Alright, I'll see you on Monday.

 _Jaylynn puts her phone on her nightstand after turning it off and then tries to go to sleep, but is unable to when Mrs. Tuxedo Pants meows._

JAYLYNN: Oh no, what is it, girl? It's time for me to sleep. And it's time for you too. Time for sleepy weepy. And I'm talking like this to nobody, great. Hmmm, maybe I can just tire her out.

SCENE 5

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn is eating ice cream and watching TV while Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is curled up next to her._

JAYLYNN: I'm doing this at three in the morning, I'm so naughty. If RK asks, say that we were going out hunting for fish or something.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that week, the kids are at their lockers without RK._

JAYLYNN: Yeah, it was crazy too. It was there, but it kinda wasn't.

SPARKY: So, with that in mind, how did...

 _RK runs up to Jaylynn and hugs her from behind._

JAYLYNN: Okay, I'm a hugger, but this is just a few steps away from harassment.

RK: Jaylynn, you're a good kid. Have I ever told you that? You're a good kid?

JAYLYNN: No, you never have. I remember one time, you called me a bitch so I smacked you.

RK: Well, you don't have to worry about you and me having trouble ever again. The RK/Jaylynn war is officially over.

WADE: It's about time.

SPARKY: RK, what are you talking about?

RK: This girl over here made Mrs. Tuxedo Pants feel like a queen. She followed the instructions precisely. She gave her everything she wanted, she made sure she was well-groomed, and she even got rid of that thing that Tuxy's been trying to scratch off.

SPARKY: And that thing is...

JAYLYNN: You don't need to know that.

RK: So, you know what, Jay? I'm going to show my gratitude and take it one step further. I want you to be Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' regular cat-sitter.

JAYLYNN: Really? Wow, thanks, man. I loved looking over her this weekend.

BUSTER: Hey, how come you never offered that job to me or Sparky?

RK: Because I don't want to bother Sparky, and I heard about what you did with your neighbor's pet gerbil.

BUSTER: That's not my fault. He wanted me to suck him up inside the vacuum cleaner!

SPARKY: Buster, it's okay. You don't have to defend yourself.

BUSTER: No, I know what happened. I swear, he was talking to me!

 _Buster starts crying as Sparky holds him._

BUSTER: He was asking for it. He asked me.

SPARKY: I know he did, but we're in public. Calm down.

SCENE 7

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Some time later, RK is watching TV and starts laughing. He then looks over to the kitchen and then walks inside it, where he sees that Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' bowl is still full. He scratches his head and then walks back to the living room, where he sees Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is sleeping behind the couch._

RK: What the hell is going on here?

 _KG walks downstairs and sees RK on his knees, but him checking out Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is not visible from KG's perspective._

KG: I don't know why you keep hiding your Fifth Harmony posters. I never know where they are, but I still know you have them.

RK: KG, this is serious. I think something's wrong with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants.

KG: Did you pretend she was a football again? Dude, I keep telling you that makes her vomit.

RK: No, not after last time where she ruined my good sweater. This is weird. She's been sleeping all day and she hasn't eaten her food yet.

KG: Well, maybe she's just tired and not hungry. She probably has a lot on her plate in the cat world.

RK: Bro, the cat world? Really? What, is she running the stock exchange in the cat world? Is she a well-known drug kingpin delivering poisoned milk to low-income areas in the cat world?

KG: Dude, I'm sorry. I was just being funny.

RK: No, man, you have to build up the world next time. Don't have it just sit there. It's been a long day.

KG: Look, all you need to do is just retrace your steps. We went on the retreat this weekend, you picked up Tuxy from Jaylynn yesterday.

RK: Yeah, I...picked up Tuxy from Jaylynn yesterday.

KG: What, you think Jaylynn had something to do with this?

RK: Probably. Maybe it was some sick joke she pulled on me.

KG: Kid, I highly doubt Jaylynn had some diabolical plan to make your cat sick. What would she gain from that?

RK: She doesn't have to gain anything. Seeing the cat sick is probably what excited her.

KG: Well, if you're so sure Jaylynn did it, why don't you ask her?

RK: No, not right now. The guys are coming over to watch TV tomorrow. I'll ask her about it then.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The next night, kids are watching TV without RK. RK walks in from the kitchen with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' bowl._

RK: Hey Jaylynn, when you were cat-sitting the other day, was something wrong with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants?

JAYLYNN: You mean, other than her moving a little slow? Nah.

RK: It's so weird. I can't find her anywhere. And this is the second day in a row she didn't touch the food in her bowl.

BUSTER: You need to stop buying the organic formula, man. If you start spoiling your cat like I do with LPC, she'll be running to the bowl every time.

SPARKY: Buster, didn't LPC have to get his stomach pumped because of all the things you were feeding him?

BUSTER: Hey, he survived. If you're gonna live life, you gotta live it hard.

 _KG walks into the house with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants._

KG: Tuxy doesn't look so hot. I found her sitting on the grass looking like she was ready to die.

RK: Oh my God. It's just getting worse. Jaylynn's probably licking her chops right now.

JAYLYNN: Huh?

RK: I didn't say anything.

SPARKY: I don't get it. How did she get so sick?

BUSTER: She hates the formula so much, it makes her nauseous when she thinks about it? That's like, Freud or some shit.

KG: I'm going to call the vet and see if they can take her in.

 _KG takes the house phone into the kitchen._

JAYLYNN: Do you really have to call the vet? I mean, they charge you an arm and a leg all the time. Maybe it's just a cold.

RK: Why do you not want us to take our cat to the vet?

JAYLYNN: I just don't want you to go out of your way, that's all.

RK: Unless you poisoned her!

JAYLYNN: What? No, I didn't!

RK: Yeah, it all makes sense. You plotted something when you were taking care of Tuxedo Pants and now you don't want people to find out.

JAYLYNN: How come you always assume something is going on?

RK: Because people are trash and I have trust issues.

JAYLYNN: Okay, well, what if I went with KG to the vet? You know, so you can calm your ass down?

RK: Alright, fine, cool. I'm getting emotional now. But if they find something...

JAYLYNN: They won't find something, you crazy old man.

 _KG comes back into the living room._

KG: Alright, I just spoke to Dr. Collins. He can see Tuxy tonight.

BUSTER: You know, if you don't want to spend money, you can always just pray away whatever's wrong with your cat.

SPARKY: Pray?

BUSTER: Yeah. The other day, I watched this news story about a poor guy that was going to get interviewed for a high-paying job. He told God that if he got the job, he would go to Mexico and crawl up the cobblestone path to the Church of Our Lady of Guadalupe. And then he got the job like that!

JAYLYNN: So because he told God he wanted the job, he got it?

BUSTER: Yup.

WADE: So preparation and confidence had nothing to do with it, right?

BUSTER: Not as much as divine intervention.

SCENE 9

McCullough Veterinary Clinic

Interior Operating Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn and KG are waiting for the doctor to arrive. KG cradles Mrs. Tuxedo Pants in his arms._

JAYLYNN: KG, I don't think you should be holding her like that. That's an easy way to get ripped off.

KG: Man, I'm trying to get my cat some help here. It's like family.

JAYLYNN: I never understood why people treat their pets like family. Won't they just die and you can get another one?

KG: Are you still upset that you couldn't get to keep that puppy?

JAYLYNN: Don't change the subject.

 _Dr. Collins walks in at that point._

DR. COLLINS: Kevin, how are you doing?

KG: Great, Doc.

DR. COLLINS: Who's this? She's a cute kid.

JAYLYNN: Man, stop lying. I'm not that cute.

DR. COLLINS: So I was able to look at Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' X-rays, and it turns out that she has a mast cell tumor.

JAYLYNN: What's a mast cell?

KG: It's like a white blood cell.

DR. COLLINS: Exactly. This tumor is visceral and appears to be affecting her internal organs, which explains her lack of appetite and lethargy.

KG: Holy shit. Well, what happens now?

DR. COLLINS: We would have to keep her overnight and then perform surgery to remove the tumor.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah? How much are you charging for it?

DR. COLLINS: Well, traditionally, it's pricey, but you can't think about that when it comes to your pets.

JAYLYNN: The cat's not mine, so I guess that doesn't apply to me.

DR. COLLINS: Seriously, who's this?

KG: My brother's friend. She usually knows when to shut up.

DR. COLLINS: Well, the surgery is $3,000.

JAYLYNN: _Me estas tomando el pelo?_ $3,000?! I know a guy downtown that will do it for a six-pack and a pair of shorts.

KG: That guy is a bum that's deluded himself into thinking he's a doctor.

JAYLYNN: We should give him a chance though.

KG: You know, my brother and I should probably talk it over. Just to see what we should do next.

DR. COLLINS: Of course. Just don't take too long to make a decision because this tumor has probably spread already. Even with the surgery, I can't make any promises.

JAYLYNN: That's all I need to know.

 _Jaylynn takes Mrs. Tuxedo Pants from the table and holds her in her arms._

JAYLYNN: I'm gonna make sure this cat goes out with a bang.

 _Jaylynn leaves the room with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants._

KG: She's really shook up about the whole thing.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _KG and Jaylynn come back to the house with Mrs. Tuxedo Pants._

JAYLYNN: I'm just saying, KG, this cat is on its last legs. I don't know what the point is in letting it suffer when we could end her misery.

KG: Jaylynn, no offense, but this isn't your cat. I really don't think you should be the one making the decisions here.

JAYLYNN: I'm not, but guess what? I have zero tolerance for animal cruelty. You've had this cat for years. A tumor here, a busted up leg there, the car almost running her over and having her blood and guts ooze like Nickelodeon slime on the street.

KG: And your point is...

JAYLYNN: You wouldn't put a person through any of that. Why her? Because she's just a cat?

KG: There's a chance that the surgery could help. We would be idiots if we didn't take that chance.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but three grand? That's a Vegas gamble, man. Besides, you heard what Dr. Collins said. Even with the surgery, there's a good chance that the disease has already spread. I don't think you have a choice here.

KG: Alright, Jaylynn. I guess we should put her down.

JAYLYNN: I'll talk to RK about it.

KG: Okay, but can you not be so Jaylynn about it? Tuxedo Pants is like a celebrity to the boy.

JAYLYNN: When did my name become an adjective?

KG: When I realized that you're the most Jaylynnest Jaylynn that ever Jaylynned.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Shut the hell up.

SCENE 11

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is sitting on his bed using his phone when Jaylynn walks in._

JAYLYNN: Are you busy?

RK: Nope. I'm assuming you're not busy poisoning my cat anymore.

 _Jaylynn sighs._

JAYLYNN: Look, RK, I know you and I have never been best friends. But I want you to know that I would never, ever do anything to try and hurt you or the things you care about.

RK: And you mean that?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. What else do I have to say? I thought we were bros.

RK: Of course we are. What's going on here?

JAYLYNN: Nothing. Look, when KG and I went to the vet, we found out that Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is pretty sick. She has a tumor in her internal organs.

RK: No way. She has cancer?! Can't they just take a needle and pull the tumor out and burn it so it doesn't hurt anybody?

JAYLYNN: Maybe, but Dr. Collins said that even with the surgery, Tuxy still might die. I don't think you want her to live in pain, do you?

RK: No.

JAYLYNN: Then you might wanna consider put her down.

RK: What? Jaylynn, putting animals down is for racehorses past their prime. Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is a fighter. She'll whoop that tumor's ass and be all better next week.

JAYLYNN: I don't think this is one of those cases, man.

RK: It has to be. I have to do something about this. Wait a minute. I know what to do.

 _RK walks over to the side of his bed where Jaylynn is standing, gets on his knees and puts his hands in a praying motion._

JAYLYNN: RK, what is this supposed to do?

RK: Jaylynn, I know you think that God and Jesus are just cartoon characters meant to keep Christians and Catholics from killing each other, but I'm in the middle of something here.

JAYLYNN: Okay, do you.

RK: "Dear Lord, I know you have a lot on your plate right now. I mean, you created everything so I get it, but I need your help. My cat Mrs. Tuxedo Pants has cancer in her organs. She's really sick and she might be a few days away from dying. I love her so much, God. If you're able to save her, I'll get an A on my next history test."

JAYLYNN: An A?

RK: Right, he's probably shaking his head right now. "Okay, at least a B, but that's my final offer. I hope you hear this and do whatever you can, amen."

JAYLYNN: Well, I guess I'll go back downstairs.

RK: Wait a minute. What if you prayed too?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and what if I wore a fat suit and started doing the Harlem Shake?

RK: It's not 2013 anymore. Look, Jaylynn, God will probably be more open to saving Tuxy if he gets the two for one deal.

JAYLYNN: Well, the deal's off the table, because I'm not doing that.

RK: Dude, for once, can't you just get off your high horse and do what someone tells you?

JAYLYNN: Fine, I'll do the damn prayer.

 _Jaylynn gets on her knees and starts praying near the bed._

JAYLYNN: "Dear God, if you're even out there, you need to help save RK's cat. He loves her to death and she can't go now. If you hear me, and you're willing to help, I'll do the impossible. I'll go out of my comfort zone and think big. I'll...I'll crawl up the cobblestones of that church Buster was talking about earlier. So, there. That's what I'm willing to do. Amen."

RK: See, you did it. Was it that hard?

JAYLYNN: It was almost like trying to eat a steak sandwich with a broken jaw.

RK: Always stay charming, Jaylynn.

SCENE 12

McCullough Veterinary Clinic

Interior Operating Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, RK, KG, and Jaylynn are waiting for the vet. Mrs. Tuxedo Pants looks much healthier than before and cannot stop crawling up various places, such as the operating table and the window._

RK: This is great! She's been like this all morning.

JAYLYNN: I don't buy it. You sure this isn't just a clone or something?

KG: Nope. She actually finished her food today.

JAYLYNN: She's just trying to be brave for you guys. She wants to show you she's still got it so when she gets put down, you don't look at her like some broken down bag of bones.

 _Dr. Collins walks in and sets up Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' X-rays._

DR. COLLINS: Hello, guys. This whole situation is miraculous.

KG: Yeah, how did Mrs. Tuxedo Pants go from having cancer to being five years younger?

DR. COLLINS: Well, that's the thing. She had a tumor yesterday, but now it's completely gone. Almost like magic.

JAYLYNN: Almost like magic? What, did Cosmo and Wanda poof it away? What's going on here?

DR. COLLINS: Okay, this is a look at your cat's X-rays, one of them from last night and another from today. On the left, you see the tumor visible in her internal organs, and on the right, it's completely vanished.

KG: Doc, what do you think got rid of the tumor?

DR. COLLINS: I honestly have no idea. It was almost like some divine intervention.

RK: Really? Divine intervention? I guess a certain omnipotent being heard our prayers last night.

JAYLYNN: Don't get your hopes up, Jennings.

KG: RK, what are you talking about?

RK: Jaylynn and I prayed to God that Mrs. Tuxedo Pants got better. I promised to get at least a B on my next history test, and Jaylynn promised to crawl on her knees to some church in Mexico.

KG: Oh, she did?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I did. It's nothing, the tumor could always come back.

DR. COLLINS: You know, I've heard of that church. The one with the cobblestone path that feels like a million tiny Ginsu knives piercing away at your...

JAYLYNN: I get it, Doc.

SCENE 13

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are all eating lunch sometime later._

RK: So there I was, knowing that Tuxy's days were numbered. I had to come up with the biggest plan I ever came up with. It was crazy. But then I made the play with only a few seconds left on the clock. Jaylynn and I prayed, the Lord came through in the clutch, and Tuxy lives another day.

BUSTER: That might be the greatest story I've ever heard in my entire life.

SPARKY: Well, RK, I'm glad Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is healthy. I guess miracles do exist.

RK: So, Jaylynn, you made plans to go to Mexico yet?

JAYLYNN: Oh, no. Actually, RK, I found out, I don't need to go.

RK: You don't need to go? What the hell are you talking about?

JAYLYNN: Okay, here's what happened. See, last night, I was sleeping, see? And then I had a dream where God appeared before me. And then he was all, "Jaylynn, that was raw what you did. You came with that raw prayer, man. You're more raw than Monday nights, man." So he said I didn't have to go to Mexico, because I'm so raw.

 _Beat._

RK: Dude, you're so full of shit sometimes.

JAYLYNN: Look, let's just say I didn't go but God thinks that I did go. Then it's okay because whatever the Lord doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

WADE: That would count as sacrilege.

JAYLYNN: Well, I don't go to church anyway. Technically, God shouldn't waste his time on an outsider like me.

RK: Look, redhead, God saw you make that promise with his own eyes and now you have to follow through. In the meantime, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Who knew government food could go right through you?

 _RK leaves the table and heads toward the cafeteria exit._

SPARKY: You do realize you brought all this on yourself, right?

JAYLYNN: I thought the cat was gonna die! No one makes prayers like that and means them. Before this year, a number one seed never lost in the first round of March Madness. Life is crazy like that.

WADE: Jaylynn, you're gonna have to crawl those cobblestones. If you don't, RK's going to hold it over your head for the rest of your life.

BUSTER: Yeah. And what if you don't go to Mexico and Tuxy gets sick again? RK's going to blame you for it and then he'll kick your ass.

JAYLYNN: I can kick RK's ass for breakfast.

BUSTER: I guess you can, but he fights like a crackhead. You can't beat that.

JAYLYNN: Right. Listen, I did the boy a favor and he got what he wanted. Besides, what's so bad about Seattle that I have to go out of my way to crawl to some church?

 _At that point, Halley walks up to Jaylynn._

HALLEY: Jaylynn, do you have my math notes?

JJAYLYNN: Oh, I'm sorry, Halley. I must have left them at home.

HALLEY: Again? Jaylynn, I'm sick of you doing this.

JAYLYNN: Doing what? I made a mistake.

HALLEY: Yeah, the same mistake you made two days ago, and the week before that. Oh, wait, let's not forget...

 _Halley's dialogue becomes incomprehensible as a visibly annoyed Jaylynn stares at the camera._

JAYLYNN: Okay, I have my answer.

SCENE 14

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn is talking to Anja later that day while eating a can of Pringles._

JAYLYNN: So am I wrong here?

ANJA: Well, you were just trying to make RK happy, so I guess you're not the devil or anything.

JAYLYNN: Exactly.

ANJA: But since you made that prayer while RK was there, you're pretty much screwed.

JAYLYNN: Dude, this is a nightmare. I can't go to Mexico. I'm going to die on those cobblestones. And I'm going to get boo-boos all over my kneecaps and I won't just get rid of them with some regular antiseptic. No, I'm gonna have to paint over those shits just to make sure I don't suffer from skin discoloration.

ANJA: Okay, that's a way to look at it. Or you could just suck it up, get it over with, and know you didn't break your promise.

JAYLYNN: I just want to live my life and eat Pringles, man. I didn't ask for all this.

ANJA: Well, you got it. I'm going to hit the bathroom.

 _Anja walks upstairs and leaves Jaylynn alone. Lynne walks in at that point._

LYNNE: Jesus.

JJAYLYNN: Hey, don't say that. I already don't have the Lord on my side.

LYNNE: What are you babbling on about, weirdo?

JAYLYNN: Look, RK's cat was really sick. So I prayed to God that if she lived, I would crawl up the path to a church in Mexico. Then she lived, and now I have to go.

LYNNE: So what I'm getting here is that you, a stupid person, played a stupid game, and won a stupid prize.

JAYLYNN: Dude, I swear, I won't hesitate to crack your skull open with this Pringles can.

LYNNE: Look, can't you just tell RK you don't want to go? You don't owe anything to him or anybody else.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but he's going to bring it up from now until we're both on a T-shirt.

LYNNE: So? At the end of the day, he doesn't have to know that you went. He just has to think you did.

JAYLYNN: So you want me to lie to him?

LYNNE: Why not? People lie every day, Jaylynn. And it's not like he would know the truth. Just hide it like they did with the moon landing.

JAYLYNN: Wait, the moon landing was fake?

LYNNE: Look, I read a lot of things online that may or may not be true. The point is, you can either waste your time and go to Mexico or just make everyone believe you did.

JAYLYNN: Well, it wouldn't be the worst thing I ever did.

LYNNE: Yeah, what really takes the cake is you making your best friend's sister's life a living hell by bullying your way into it.

JAYLYNN: Seriously, you need to get over yourself.

SCENE 15

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

 _Jaylynn is eating an ice cream cone when Buster walks over to her seat. Jaylynn has dirt stains on her shirt and jeans._

BUSTER: Hey Jaylynn, what are you doing here? You haven't left for Mexico yet?

JAYLYNN: I'm not going to Mexico. But as far as RK knows, I am.

 _Buster sees the dirt all over Jaylynn's clothes._

BUSTER: Wait a minute. You're going to fake crawling the cobblestones?!

JAYLYNN: Look, I don't owe RK anything. Lynne said so. I mean, it's not like I lied to the entire country back in 1969 about taking one small step for man.

BUSTER: Since when has the moon landing been fake?

JAYLYNN: Since people started making conspiracy videos on YouTube. I got it all planned out. I'm going to lay low for a bit, keep myself from being spotted, then pop up a few days later and say, "Mexico was like...so spiritual, man."

BUSTER: If you're trying to lay low, why did you come here?

JAYLYNN: I never said my plan didn't have any holes in it.

 _At that point, Buster sees Reverend MacPherson walk into the restaurant._

BUSTER: Oh, man. Jaylynn, it's Reverend MacPherson! He's come to save you!

JJAYLYNN: You do realize I have no idea who that is, right?

BUSTER: He's the reverend at the church RK and KG go to.

JAYLYNN: Wait, what happened to Reverend Reverend?

BUSTER: Oh, RK told me they fired him. Apparently, he was spending way too much time with kids, but I don't see why that would be an issue.

 _Beat._

BUSTER: Oh, now I get it.

JAYLYNN: I like when you're the last person to catch on to things.

 _Reverend MacPherson walks up to Buster._

REV. MACPHERSON: Hey, Buster, right? RK's friend?

BUSTER: Yes, sir.

REV. MACPHERSON: How are you doing today?

 _Beat._

BUSTER: My friend Jaylynn's lying to RK and God and you have to stop her before she goes to hell.

JAYLYNN: Thank you for selling me out, man.

BUSTER: I'm thinking about your future here!

REV. MACPHERSON: Your friend Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, me? The one with the Cat Valentine hair?

BUSTER: Jaylynn, he's old. He's not gonna get that reference.

REV. MACPHERSON: No, it's okay. My daughters watch _Victorious_ reruns all the time. So, Jaylynn, is there anything you want to talk about?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I guess we can talk. In a private booth.

BUSTER: Fine, I'll just get some water. Team Dry Throat over here.

 _Buster walks over to the order window while Reverend MacPherson sits down next to Jaylynn._

JAYLYNN: Alright, so I just want to clarify that I'm not lying to God. I'm lying to RK, because if God is real, then he already knows I'm not going to Mexico which automatically negates the lie.

REV. MACPHERSON: Mexico?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, let me explain. RK's cat had this really bad tumor, so I prayed to God that if she lived, I would crawl on my knees on the cobblestone path that leads to this church in Mexico.

REV. MACPHERSON: The Church of Our Virgin of Guadalupe?

BUSTER: YES!

 _Jaylynn and Reverend MacPherson look over to Buster, still at the order window._

BUSTER: Yeah, I can still hear everything. Woody, you did a great job on the acoustics in here.

REV. MACPHERSON: You know, I have a few friends that crawled those cobblestones. They all said that they were like buzzsaws chipping away at your knees. It was like a test to see how much pain the average human being can endure.

JAYLYNN: Why does everyone know about this damn church all of a sudden? Anyway, the cat got better, and no one knows how. So RK keeps telling me I have to go to Mexico to that church, and if I don't, it's like I'm some kind of monster.

REV. MACPHERSON: Well, Jaylynn, technically speaking, you don't owe anything to RK or to God. Do you believe in Him?

JAYLYNN: Honestly, I don't know. I used to, but then my mom died, my dad left me a second time and I just started questioning why everyone cares so much about religion. They're just a set of beliefs that you follow half the time, and then forget about when you're not trying to force those beliefs on someone else.

REV. MACPHERSON: You know, Jaylynn, religion is much more than that. Some people need it to gain security, some people want to figure out what their purpose is, and others want to get on the right path. I've seen people who were addicted to drugs or alcohol get turned around just by going to church.

JAYLYNN: And that's good for them. But I can't spend my life believing in something that may or may not be real.

REV. MACPHERSON: Well, you don't have to believe in God or go to church just because someone else does. All you have to do is respect what your friends believe in. The same way you would want your friends to respect _your_ beliefs.

JAYLYNN: Okay, I get it. But should I go to Mexico or not?

 _Buster walks back over to Jaylynn and Reverend MacPherson._

REV. MACPHERSON: On one hand, no. You don't offer things to God just to get something in return.

JAYLYNN: Really? See, Buster? God doesn't need something from me just to give something back.

REV. MACPHERSON: But on the other hand, you are breaking one of the Ten Commandments by committing perjury.

JAYLYNN: Perjury? I'm not on trial here!

BUSTER: You're on trial with God and he knows that you're not going to Mexico. He can see it in your eyes.

JAYLYNN: Okay, well, what if I decided to...I don't know, do some charity? Give something back to the church?

 _Jaylynn writes something down on a napkin and passes it to Reverend MacPherson._

REV. MACPHERSON: Jaylynn, is this five dollars?

JAYLYNN: Sure. Give it a few days and there's more where that came from.

REV. MACPHERSON: Well, I hope those cobblestones don't kill you.

 _Reverend MacPherson grabs the napkin and leaves the restaurant._

JAYLYNN: So I'm really gonna have to crawl on my knees, right?

BUSTER: Looks like it, buddy.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Does Wade's cloning device still work?

SCENE 16

The Hernandez Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, Jaylynn is packing up her suitcase in the trunk of her car, preparing to go to Mexico. RK walks up to her._

RK: So you're really doing this? You're really going to the church?

JAYLYNN: I don't have a choice. If I don't, I'm lying to God. Besides, it's what you want.

RK: Look, Jaylynn, I hope I wasn't pressuring you to do this. I mean, thanks to you, Mrs. Tuxedo Pants is healthier than she's ever been before.

JAYLYNN: It's whatever, man. Look, I know I was clowning you before about going to church, but I guess I was just confused that you would be into it. If you wanna be a Christian, be a Christian. It's okay with me.

RK: Jaylynn, I just like going to church. I'm not in the closet.

JAYLYNN: I know. It's just weird. I never imagined you of all people being interested in Christianity.

RK: I'm a complex kid. But just because I'm Christian and go to church, doesn't change anything about me. I still hate the government and the police and the school system and...pretty much most of the things people are supposed to respect.

JAYLYNN: You wouldn't be RK if you didn't.

RK: Exactly. You know, I was actually here because I don't want you to be alone.

JAYLYNN: What do you mean?

RK: I want to go to Mexico with you. We can crawl the cobblestone path together.

JAYLYNN: Really? What happened to your B in history?

 _RK takes out his last history test, with a B-minus grade._

JAYLYNN: I mean, for you, that has to be at least an A.

RK: Yeah, but I still feel like I failed. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to have a travel buddy.

JAYLYNN: Thanks, man, I don't know what to say. I'm kinda shitting my pants thinking about it.

RK: Aw, don't even sweat it. These people hype stuff up all the time. Who knows? That church will probably be nothing.

SCENE 17

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _RK and Jaylynn are sore and breathe heavily, as they sit on the couch with their knees heavily bandaged._

RK: I, uh...I almost died!

JAYLYNN: Why do people do these things?

RK: To say thank you to God.

JAYLYNN: I said thank you when I got to the airport. Why was it so freaking hot?

RK: Because...the shit, man.

JAYLYNN: What?

RK: I don't know.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: RK, promise me something.

RK: What?

JAYLYNN: If your cat ever gets sick again, just pull the plug. Pull that shit.

RK: But Jaylynn...

JAYLYNN: PULL THAT SHIT!

RK: Okay, I'll pull it like I have nothing else to live for.

JAYLYNN: Praise the Lord for that.

 _Cut to black._

 _("Celebrate" by Kid Rock plays over the end credits)_

©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


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